I recently wrote about my ideas surrounding the “Survival vs Comfort” Paradigm. As a quick refresher; most of the resistance to change we feel is the result of our brain’s believing we are putting ourselves in danger. This is an evolutionary system deep in our unconscious mind, and therefore it triggers automatically. By understanding that this mechanism is misinterpreting our modern world we can begin to shape our behaviors to manage the response and reduce its frequency. This allows us to make changes easier and more effectively. 

But evolutionary psychology and contending with prehistoric survival mechanisms is only one part of my attempts to fully understand our ability to change and grow as people. While evolution can help explain the unconscious processes in our mind, we also have to manage the conscious ones. Truly the human condition is to be at war with ourselves. Tragic.

Sarcasm aside, the Survival vs Comfort Paradigm is great for explaining urges and fears and the resistance created by them, but it does not account for our higher level brains. It does not help us contend with our thoughts. 

Insecurities are Everywhere

Which brings me to the thesis of my article;

“Most negative behaviors that physically or emotionally harm ourselves and others can be attributed to compensation for unaddressed insecurities.”

Great, what does any of that mean? Most of the time when someone is acting out it is due to deeply rooted insecurities that they may not be aware of. Acting out is a way to compensate for these insecurities and cover them up. It is easier to lash out at others or lie to ourselves than it is to admit we struggle with something in ourselves. 

How does this play out? Let’s consider some examples:

 Take the classic tough guy with the giant lifted truck “rolling coal” down mainstreet. That attention seeking behavior is likely a front for his insecurities. “If I act big and bad and get attention then I will feel good or validated.” Some insecurity about not getting enough attention leads to acting out in any way in order to validate himself.

Or how about the woman who works up the courage to ask a man out, but gets rejected and questions his sexuality as a response. Rather than accept the rejection and take personal responsibility for her feelings she lashes out at the guy and pushes the responsibility onto him. This is due to her assumption that his rejection of her must be an evaluation of her attractiveness, and she takes that as an evaluation and rejection of her AS A PERSON. Her insecurities about her attractiveness cause her to push away any personal responsibility in the form of being able to accept that not everyone will find you attractive. That does not mean anything other than that you were not compatible with that person. She took it personally, the sensitivity from her insecurity causing her to be hurtful in return. When men insult women after being rejected it is the same exact process.

Let’s consider the boss who cannot be questioned. A good leader is one who is willing to hear feedback from his team but does not allow them to sway him without good reason. A bad leader is someone who values their own authority and position more than producing good results. If the boss being questioned acts out and punishes his employee (assuming they were being respectful in this example) it is likely because he is insecure about his position and “power.” Rather than embrace the feedback and build his team he wants to protect his image and crushes any “opposition.” The expression of insecurity never comes from a place of strength, it comes from a place of fear. 

Compensation for insecurity is everywhere, everyone does it in one form or another. When you begin to learn what to look for you start seeing it all over the place. A mentor of mine once told me that you begin to gain true confidence in yourself when you realize everyone experiences insecurity. 

Understanding Your Insecurities

But how do we figure out where our insecurities are? Oftentimes they are so deeply buried and unconscious that we do not even know where to start looking. The first step is the hardest, if you are going to begin working on your insecurities you have to develop a rigorous sense of personal responsibility and honesty. We lie to ourselves to hide our insecurities. We put up fronts to mask our insecurities from the world. I believe that understanding is the first component to change. If you do not understand the problem, how can you hope to solve it?

What are You Struggling With?

First, identify the thoughts and behaviors that are having a negative impact on your life. Perhaps you get angry and fight with people, or maybe you are uncomfortable in social situations. The important piece of this step is to understand that we do not like to admit we had a role to play in some sort of conflict. The more comfortable and easy choice is to blame the world, the other person, or some circumstance outside of our control. This falsely absolves us of responsibility in order to protect our identity as a “good person.” Admitting you messed up is a challenge to your view of yourself, and highly sensitive people allow that to mean they are not good.

Dig into the Underlying Cause

Next, you need to evaluate what this negative behavior or thought pattern is protecting you from. Remember, negative behaviors are the result of compensating for your insecurities. The compensation is a form of denial. You deny that you did anything wrong because it protects your sense of self. Admitting you did something wrong would mean that you are admitting you have faults, and your brain interprets this as a direct attack on your identity. Ask yourself; “if I were wrong about this (behavior or thought) what would that mean about me? What do I make that mean about myself?” Your goal is to figure out what you are trying to protect yourself from admitting. 

Your insecurities are learned. You do not come into this world insecure. You develop insecurities as you compare yourself and your circumstances to what society and your peer groups expect of you. Throughout your life you experienced events that shaped your worldview. Perhaps you got turned down by a crush, or grew up surrounded by media telling you “thin was in.” Whatever you feel a significant amount of anxiety around is typically a good indication of where to start looking for insecurities. 

Question Everything

Once you have an idea of the insecurity you would like to face, you begin to ask yourself questions. Avoid “why” questions, as they prompt shallow and superficial answers. “Why are you insecure about your body?” “Because I was told to be all my life.” That’s information you likely already know, and it gives very little agency for change. Instead, ask “what, when, how” questions. What is important to you about this? How (or in what ways) does this insecurity affect you? What is the impediment to change? What would you have to sacrifice in order to change? When will I be ready to change this? 

By asking ourselves these sorts of questions we give ourselves room to think more deeply about the topic. If you are insecure about public speaking, asking “what is important to you about this?” Might highlight that you don’t really feel the need to include public speaking in your life, in which case you can stop letting this insecurity bother you. But it might reveal that you desire to be someone who can speak publicly, making the insecurity an important one to solve.

The question; “What would you have to sacrifice in order to change?” is vital. Rarely do we engage in behaviors that don’t benefit us in some way. Anytime we engage in a behavior we have subconsciously weighed out the rewards vs consequences. The kid who always acted out in class and got in trouble? The reward of attention was valued more highly to him than the punishment of “getting in trouble.” The person who overeats and becomes obese? They value food, and typically very unhealthy food, more than the risks associated with obesity and poor diet. 

These questions require an ability to critically self-examine. You need to develop the skill of analyzing your own thoughts and behaviors. Doing this is the next step in conquering insecurities. If you cannot face your behaviors objectively and honestly you will continue to compensate for them. Compensation is a way to cover up your insecurities because they make you feel vulnerable in some way. This process requires you to sit with the uncomfortability of your insecurities being laid bare. 

It isn’t fun at first. Most people give in to the defense mechanism of denial and begin refusing to accept the truths they discover about themselves. But those that can take full responsibility for themselves and prioritize their long term wellbeing over the short term comfort of denial are able to grow exponentially. This is a practice, not a one time deal. Like anything else you practice, over time you will become more and more proficient. Eventually facing insecurities becomes liberating and empowering. The vulnerability of admitting to your insecurities becomes exciting because it tells you where to go next. 

Acceptance is the Key

Once you understand what your insecurities are and have accepted them rather than deny them and push responsibility away you can begin to work. This step is the second most difficult. Most people who get to this point fall into the trap of trying to ELIMINATE their insecurities entirely. This results in them either trying new forms of compensation or trying to resist the insecurity through force of will. 

Remember, compensation is a defense mechanism. It is the DENIAL of insecurity. Acting as if you do not have the insecurity only highlights it more. Fake it til you make it does not work with insecurities. Pretending the insecurity does not exist only magnifies it’s presence in your life. It’s like the classic “don’t think about a purple elephant” thought experiment. Alan Watts describes the process as trying to see the bottom of a muddy pool of water. Moving the water around to clear the mud only stirs it up more, it’s only by sitting patiently and waiting for it to settle can we see the bottom. 

This is the key piece. We have to accept our insecurities and face them openly. Fighting against our insecurities is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. You have to let it burn out. Most people are afraid of their insecurities, but when you come to the point where you can accept them you realize they aren’t a big deal. We magnify the gravity of our insecurities in our mind. Looking at them plainly and objectively we come to understand that they are rooted in fear. Like most fears, they are irrational. 

As you gain increased understanding of these insecurities and are willing to accept them rather than deny them and hide from them you can begin to move away from them. You can let go of the insecurity’s importance, minimize it in your own mind. When we hide from our insecurities we magnify how terrible they are, by bringing them into the light we begin to realize how they really are not that big of a deal. It’s at this point that you can choose new ways of thinking and behaving. 

Choose a Different Path

Decide on what a more responsible course of action would be both in thought and action and begin practicing it. Remember, the goal is not to eliminate the insecurity, but to allow it to exist and choose something better anyways. Become comfortable with the presence of these insecurities and you will find that they diminish in their ability to control you significantly.

Be Mindful

Once you understand your own insecurities in this way you can begin to practice mindfulness around them. Insecurity is a useful tool when you treat it this way. It is the voice that keeps you balanced. It questions your motives and behaviors. Notice when the insecurity rears it’s head. What causes it? What is that insecurity telling you? Learn from it, accept that it is just trying to tell you something, and move on. When you become aware of the process you gain the ability to choose your path, and you are no longer being controlled by insecurity. It is a part of you, but it does not need to define who you are.

Wrapping it All Up

To summarize the process:

1. Identify negative thoughts and behaviors 
2. Identify what these thoughts and behaviors protect you from – that’s your insecurity
3. Question the insecurity with what, when, and how questions
4. Accept these insecurities and let them tell you about yourself
5. Decide on a new way of thinking or behaving and begin to practice it
6. Practice mindfulness and be aware when insecurities arise in your life. Notice, acknowledge, and move on

In my experience, most people struggle to do what I have outlined above. In fact, most people are so rooted in their denial and compensation that they never even consider that they might be the problem in their own lives. But for the few willing to push past their defense mechanisms and embrace the uncertainty they develop themselves into far more effective and happy individuals. Personal responsibility is hard. Accepting flaws and shortcomings without making it mean anything about ourselves is hard. But I have never regretted undergoing the process I have outlined today, each time I re-evaluate myself and my behaviors I come out stronger and more sure of myself. Give it a shot and let me know how it works for you.