One of the things I have always struggled with is self-confidence. Now that I’m getting a handle on that I think it would be useful to write about the model I am using to develop it.  Mental models are one of my favorite things to try to create. They take all the information you know about topics and condense it into a series of steps or way of thinking that helps you process your world. I have discussed the mental model I use for instant gratification before, the article can be found here.

Definitions

To begin, let’s discuss what confidence, and self-confidence, is. I have 2 definitions of confidence I would like to discuss as the basis for this mental model. 

the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.

Or in the case of self confidence:

a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.

How to Use Definition One

Let’s start with the first definition. This definition refers to confidence directed towards others. Having confidence in another person and being able to trust them. I believe it can be adopted for your mental model of SELF-confidence however. There’s a key piece to this definition that is important to take note of. 

Trust and reliance. Humans learn to be a bit skeptical of things they don’t know. It’s useful, you don’t blindly trust someone you don’t know. How does trust get built in these sorts of scenarios? With EVIDENCE. 

you trust your close friends because they became your close friends by showing you they were trustworthy. They supported you or did nice things for you. Close friendships are built on trust. Applying the first definition above, you have the feeling or belief you can rely on your friends, you have firm trust in them. That’s confidence. 

You can apply this to yourself as well. If confidence is believing you can rely on others, then SELF-confidence is believing you can rely on yourself. If you lack self-confidence, you likely have no evidence that you can trust yourself to handle whatever you’re struggling with.

Self-Confidence is Not One Size Fits All

Self-confidence is talked about like a yes or no equation. You either have it or you do not. I firmly disagree with this assumption. If you consider the acquisition of self-confidence according to the mental model of having evidence you can trust yourself, then you can have self-confidence in one area but not another.

Consider someone who has played guitar for 10 years in public. Likely, they are very confident in the realm of playing guitar as they have given themselves 10 years of evidence for it. But take that same person and put them in a completely new environment, let’s say rock climbing, and will they have as much confidence as they did with a guitar in their hand? Likely not. 

Building the Model

The model so far looks like this:

I do believe that this trust can be transferable to a degree however. For example, I used to work at a treatment center for delinquent teenagers. I have been verbally and physically attacked, had food thrown at me, been spat on, and so on. A large part of my job was confronting these groups of teenagers on their problems, which typically made them blow up. Then I had to handle the blow up. 

Put me in with a group of moody teenagers and I’m confident I can command the room. But this trust in myself extended into my everyday interactions with others. I used to be terrified of confrontation and boundary setting. But because it was so necessary at my job, I’m confident I can do it with people who are less likely to throw things at me when I do it. 

You can use this example to expand the model to include transferable confidence. This segues nicely into the second definition of confidence. 

Developing Self Assurance

“a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”

The guitar player with 10 years of public playing experience is likely to have more confidence in his guitar playing than someone who picked up a guitar for the first time because he can properly appreciate his own abilities. His 10 years of playing has given him evidence he knows what he is doing. 

So far self-confidence has been defined as being able to trust your abilities. There must be evidence of this trust. Trust in one area CAN translate to other areas, but it doesn’t always. Self-confidence is not an all-or-nothing game. The question now becomes; how do you begin using this model to build your own self-confidence?

What Do You Want Confidence In?

First, identify the area you want to be confident in. Remember, you can be confident in one area but not others. Defining what specifically you lack self-confidence in helps you break it down. Don’t fall into the trap of believing self-confidence is all or nothing. 

Let’s use the example of being more social. Everyone experiences social anxiety to some degree. Often people equate social confidence with the Universal Confidence that’s all or nothing. “If you are socially confident, you have self-confidence.” Again, I disagree with this take. Social confidence is just one area of your life that you can build confidence in. 

If you use the mental model discussed above, you know that in order to build social confidence you need evidence of your abilities so that you can begin to trust yourself. In order to begin trusting yourself you have to overcome challenges in the field you want confidence in. The evidence you are looking for is that you can handle yourself.

This is the first step in the process, and it is the hardest. Bodies at rest tend to stay at rest, and people who aren’t growing resist beginning to. Getting the ball rolling is the most difficult part because in order to build confidence you have to go into situations where you have no confidence. 

you’re trying to start a business with no money to fund it, so to speak. There are two strategies for overcoming this first hurdle of getting started. First, you can learn to use willpower to overcome fear in small steps. Second, you can adjust your environment to support pushing out of the comfort zone. 

Strategy 1: Baby Steps

In the first strategy the plan is simple. You identify small steps you can take to slowly build confidence over time. Start small and work up from there. This requires the use of willpower and some directed intention in order to get over the small spike of fear, but by starting with small steps you can minimize that fear. 

Considering the social anxiety example, if you were to help someone overcome that you would identify small steps; Making eye contact with someone while talking., having a simple conversation with a cashier, saying hi to a neighbor. Whatever the step is, the important thing is to not cannonball in. 

In western culture there is this idea that brute force and going all-in is the best way to do something. Oftentimes this backfires. People jump in head first and when they fall flat on their face it reinforces fears and anxieties. By taking small, manageable steps you can mitigate that and slowly take back ground from your fears. Step by tiny step. 

As you continually push out of your comfort zone in small steps those small steps become your new normal and your comfort zone expands. You have built confidence by showing yourself evidence of your ability. l

Strategy 2: Borrowing Confidence

The second strategy takes advantage of the transferrable confidence phenomenon. Returning to the guitar player example, let’s say our guitar player loves playing music for people but struggles communicating with them and wants to develop social confidence. He can use the area he has tons of confidence in, playing guitar, as a medium to begin practicing social confidence. 

Imagine he takes his guitar out in public to play, but has the intention of trying to practice some small steps like the ones described in strategy 1. While he is playing and drawing crowds with his music he can begin engaging in small conversations about what he is doing. He’s in control of the situation and he’s using something he’s confident in, playing guitar, to help facilitate his practice talking to people. 

This is a simple concept. Talk about or use what you know. If you are good at weight lifting, talking to people in the gym about weightlifting is going to be much less anxiety-inducing than going to a cocktail party and talking about dividends and portfolios. You can provide yourself evidence of your trustworthiness by being in an environment you are comfortable in and using that to branch out of your comfort zone a little bit. 

Being able to draw confidence from one area to support another works in many contexts. We all knew that person growing up that just seemed to “get” sports. They excelled at every sport they touched. Natural ability certainly had a role to play, but their early confidence in one sport likely began extending to others. It became generalized.

Self Acceptance is Key

We have developed strategies for beginning to push out of the comfort zone and build self-confidence. I believe there is another aspect of self-confidence that needs to be discussed however. 

Again, the second definition of self-confidence reads:

“a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities”

The strategies for building self confidence so far have revolved around finding evidence of your abilities. How do you begin to approach finding evidence of your qualities?

It’s a similar process to finding evidence of your abilities, but it is done more internally. Self-confidence stems from self-acceptance. If you do not believe you are worthy of proper treatment or believe you aren’t capable of accomplishing things because of some inherent trait within you, how could you possibly begin to develop self-confidence?

Developing a strong sense of self-acceptance is key to building self-confidence. You can begin to develop your self-acceptance by showing yourself that you are worthy of proper treatment, that you are inherently deserving of love and respect. 

People who lack confidence often don’t believe the above statement. They believe they are somehow “below the bar” of acceptability. This belief leads them to try hundreds of methods of reaching the bar. They change their personality to please others, they always put others first, they sacrifice their time, energy, and money to help others. All with the hope that the other person will validate their worth.

Sadly, the opposite is typically what happens. People will take what you give them. If you give them everything and roll over like a doormat in the hopes that they will pick you up, dust you off, and bring you into their home you are deluding yourself. Act like a doormat, get treated like a doormat. 

This should not create resentment if this sounds familiar. Most people only treat you the way you treat yourself. They follow the lead you set and reflect back to you how you treat yourself. This can create a vicious cycle. You treat yourself poorly, which leads to others treating us poorly, which reinforces the belief that you aren’t worthy of proper treatment, which leads you to treating yourself poorly, and so on. 

To break this cycle you need to begin undoing this idea that you are somehow deficient and need to work to reach the “bar” of acceptance. You need to believe that you are inherently acceptable. The bar that you were once reaching for becomes the starting point for your climb.

The Steps to Self Acceptance

To begin undoing this you are going to focus on a few main steps. First, setting boundaries. Second, taking responsibility for getting your needs met. Third, taking care of yourself.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries is often scary when you first consider it. Telling people that certain things are not okay and will not be tolerated is a lot of confrontation for people who don’t believe in themselves. But, with most fears, it is based on “what ifs” and not “for sures.” You ask yourself what will happen if you set a boundary and it upsets someone. You believe they will become angry and yell at you or that they will leave you.

The reality is two types of people exist. Those that will respect your boundaries, and want to, and those that will not respect your boundaries. Most people fall into the first camp. They want to be friendly and supportive. The more I learned to set boundaries and be clear about what I was okay with the less I ran into people who had a problem with it. People are taught to be respectful, and as long as your boundaries don’t infringe on theirs or demand too much of them they will respect them.

Those who don’t respect your boundaries typically break into two smaller groups. Most of them will just exit your life. They don’t want confrontation as much as you don’t, and will leave when you set boundaries with them. This is a good thing. It means your boundaries are repelling people who would not have respected you anyways. 

A very small subset of this second group might make a big deal about your boundaries. Understand that this is due to them feeling attacked or judged because you set a boundary. They are taking it personally, and are not able to take responsibility for their behavior. Their outburst or denial is due to their insecurity. Walk away from these people if you meet them. 

Once you start setting boundaries with people you will realize that it is not that big of a deal. People will usually be worried that they upset you, not upset at you for setting a boundary. The more you set them the more you are affirming to yourself that you are a person that deserves respect as much as everyone else. 

Being “Selfish”: Prioritize Your Needs

Next, learn to value and prioritize your needs. Everyone has needs, but people who lack self-confidence often devalue or outright ignore their needs because they are too busy trying to meet everyone else’s needs for validation. No one will meet your needs if you do not ask for help or state what your needs are. Remember, people only act on what you give them, they’re not mind readers.

If you approach getting your needs met by trying to meet the needs of others and expecting them to turn around and do the same for you, you will become disappointed and resentful every time. It will seem as if everyone takes advantage of you. The reality is you are offering to help these people but they are not obligated to help you. 

You have to learn to take responsibility for your own needs and prioritize. Either get them met yourself, or be willing to ask others for help. Again, this may seem scary at first, but most people are helpful and kind. They will be happy to help if you ask. But you have to ask. They have to know you need help before they will offer it. If you sit around waiting for them to come to you you will always be disappointed. Consider it from their point of view. You’re quiet and don’t ask for anything, to them you look content as can be. They don’t know what’s going on in your head. 

By taking responsibility for your own needs you again affirm to yourself that you are important and worthy of respect. Meeting your own needs tells you that you deserve to be treated well. Another point for self-acceptance.

Responsible Self-Care

Your next step is to take care of yourself. This is the baseline advice I give to every person. The more you do to invest in your own well being the better off you will be. This does not have to be some fancy high-level mental investment at first. Are you eating well, exercising, doing basic hygiene maintenance? Are you maintaining your sleep? 

These simple things are foundational to healthy living. The more you neglect them the more you build the rest of your life on rotting wood. It will all collapse inward. By investing in yourself and taking care of your body and mind you affirm that you are worthy and deserving of care from others. 

Once you have the basics down you can begin looking at more complicated things. In my article on Neuroplasticity I detailed how the thoughts you think repeatedly become PHYSICALLY reinforced in your brain. Self-care is also about choosing to think better thoughts about yourself. As you begin to build a strong foundation of self-acceptance you need to align your thoughts to support you. How do you talk to yourself? Gently correct any negative thoughts about yourself to better alternatives.

The trap with self-care is indulgence. Often people use the excuse of “self-care” to rationalize meeting subconscious desires through indulgence. There is a fine line. Consider the example of ice cream. If you are maintaining a strict and healthy diet 6 days out of the week, ice cream could be considered self-care because it is giving you a break to keep you on track later. 

But if you are rationalizing eating ice cream as self care while not taking care of your diet and body anyways how could it possibly be good for you to eat it? It’s indulgence disguised as self-care. 

The rule of thumb for self-care is this:

Is the act working towards your LONG-TERM growth and fulfillment? If ice cream is your cheat meal, then it is in support of your health goals, and thus self-care. If ice cream is your coping mechanism for a rough day at work you are indulging yourself. It’s not helping you maintain better mental health and stress management, it makes you feel good in the moment. Long term, the outcome is you become more unhealthy and have done nothing to address your work situation or how you are handling it. 

Self-care should be looked at as a responsibility, not a treat. Once you begin implementing it into your own life it will begin strengthening your foundation of self. Beyond the investment in yourself that proper self-care represents it too affirms that you are important and worthy of care. 

As you continue to demonstrate to yourself your inherent worth you will begin to see the qualities about yourself that are important. Once you are aware of them you can begin to appreciate them. This is the second piece to our definition of self-confidence. 

Reviewing the Steps

To recap everything, let’s review the mental model you can use to understand this concept. The “thesis” is necessary to form the foundation of this model:

1. Self confidence is gained by developing trust in yourself through demonstrating you can handle difficult situations, which provides evidence that you are trustworthy. 
2. You must develop an appreciation for your abilities and qualities if you want to be confident. 
3. If you understand that confidence is not a catch all term, but a trait that can be developed in specific areas and be missing in others, you can identify the areas you need to build confidence in. There is some level of transferability here, which will be discussed later.
4. you develop an appreciation for our qualities by practicing things that reaffirm our self-acceptance, which grows in hand with confidence.

Next, let’s review the specific practice of building self-confidence:

1. Identify the area you want to develop confidence in. Your goal is to begin challenging yourself to overcome the fears and difficulties associated with whatever you are trying to become confident in.
2. Your first strategy is to begin taking simple steps towards becoming more comfortable in the area you are working on. Start very small, and slowly expand your comfort zone over time. As you continue to confront the same problems they become normal to you and lose their power. 
3. Your second strategy is to borrow confidence from other areas of your life if possible. You can leverage your confidence in one area to help build it in another. The closer your area of confidence and what you are working on the better. However, you can also remind yourself of your ability in one area and use that to motivate you to push yourself in another.
4. Develop self acceptance through 3 main strategies:
   1. Set boundaries to affirm to yourself that you are worthy of proper treatment and consideration. People will treat you as you treat yourself. Treat yourself well and others will too.
   2. Take responsibility for getting your needs met. By asking for help or meeting your needs yourself you affirm that your needs matter as much as everyone else’s. By working to get them met you tell yourself that you are inherently worthy of care.
   3. Take care of yourself. Use responsible self-care to do things that are an investment in you down the road. By taking care of yourself you are affirming to yourself that you matter and should be invested in. Simultaneously, responsible self-care will build healthy habits that help provide structure to your life.

Patience is Key

I do not believe you have to do these steps in any particular order. I tackled them sort of all at once, but I could see the value of starting with the tangible things like pushing out of your comfort zone and then moving to the more internal stuff. I can also see the inverse of setting a proper mental foundation before practicing your real-world stuff. 

The important thing to understand is that this is a process that takes time. You need to hit all of these areas to build true self-confidence. It will not happen overnight. Look for small opportunities to practice these tips throughout your day, and build up your practice over time. Think of it as saving change. A single penny isn’t much, but over time they will build pretty impressively. Make those deposits for yourself. 

My goal in writing is to help people understand not just what to change, but HOW to change it. If you find my writing interesting or helpful please share it on social media so that more people can see it and hopefully take something from it.

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